In the era when I came into recovery, newly sober women either wanted to fix their teeth or get divorced. These days it’s only changed a little; it’s the plastic surgeon or the divorce lawyer. It’s easier to fix something outside than inside, but it’s also possible to be sober and stay married, even if it’s to someone not in the program. No, he “doesn’t understand” and he doesn’t have to, you do!
Saturday, August 15th is my wedding anniversary. I am married to my Velveteen Rabbit for 28 years now. I have loved all the hair and muscles off of him and he is my best guy friend, my lover, my sweetheart, my witness, and the father of my three children. God could not have picked someone more perfect for me as we are two New York City kids, and although he is not in recovery, we “get” each other. He has never told me to go to a meeting or not go to a meeting and I have been active in AA since we met. I was sober six years when we got hitched, so he has never seen me drunk. He has seen me in despair, but not in the complete despair of a drunken woman; he has seen me angry, but not angry enough to kill; he has seen me feeling suicidal, but not seen the razor blade in my hand; he has seen me run away from home and abandon my family, but seen me come back three weeks later, after about 50 meetings, ready rebuild our lives.
It has been real life, up and down, emotionally, financially, physically and spiritually. We have held on, and every time the smoke cleared from whatever bomb it was that went off we were as surprised as anyone else to find that we were still holding hands.
When we fell in love, we were inseparable and locked together. As love grew and the weight and joys and pains of family, children, education, careers, dreams, a house and finances were added, our arms pulled apart to form a rubber band that the weight of it all. The rubber band got stretched to the breaking point. If you have the courage to hold on, if you have the twelve steps to guide you, if you have a connection with a higher power, you can live, pray and wait past the breaking point to get to the other side. Waiting is something alcoholics hate to do, but you have to wait in order for things to pass. Eventually you start moving in each other’s direction again as the things in between you shift and change. The school bus doesn’t need to come anymore, the career changes, the finances change, the responsibilities change. Waiting for this to happen takes time, sometimes two or three years, sometimes ten. It will all pass eventually.
When you are at the absolute breaking point, that’s when most people get divorced. It’s easier, because it’s too painful. It’s human nature to not want to hurt. Yes, the children see this horrid relationship and it’s a bad thing for them to see, or is it? If we want them to have long term stable marriages, isn’t this what they are, staying together through the good times and bad times and coming out the other side? How can we be role models if we pretend marriages are only two options; honey cakes or divorce? We have already had the courage to get sober, the hardest thing any of us ever had to do. A bad time in a marriage is easy compared to getting sober. There aren’t good days and bad days in any long term relationship, there are good years and bad years.
Technology is creating young adults living in an instant gratification world. Status updates on facebook, twitter, cell phones and laptops provides instant communication and the illusion that they have “relationships” with thousands of people. There is no instant gratification in a long term marriage. I wonder how the 50% divorce rate will change with this next generation of tech savvy young adults. Are they going to think they should have instant conflict resolution in marriages and if not, to just get divorced and tweet on?
My parents were married 60 years when my Dad died. I asked my Mom what their marriage was like at that point. She said “We’re just like brother and sister.” I knew what she meant; they were as close a family member as you could get. My whole life I watched them kiss each other hello every morning and kiss each other good night every night. Maybe the small things are the glue of a relationship. My Aunt Chick still combs my Uncle Joey’s hair every morning after 64 years of marriage. I have a feeling that this type of kindness is the underlying element in long term love.
During the bad times, I put the marriage in God’s hands every single moment of every day and asked Him to figure it out. Now, 28 years later, we can’t wait to have a date and go to brunch on the beach every Sunday, can’t wait to spend time together and go play. We still get a kick out of each other and believe in each other and in each other’s dreams. Things will definitely change as we continue getting older and more factors introduce themselves into this love affair and yes, maybe we will get divorced someday after all. I don’t know what the future holds, but I know God holds the future. He already has it figured out, and I will defer to His wisdom while our beautiful fellowship holds me through whatever is next.
How did this wind up in my hand?
